If you’re a parent with cancer, one of the first things you likely thought about after receiving your diagnosis was your children. Will you be there for them as they grow up? Do you tell them? How? Is there a way to do it without completely freaking them out? All you want is to help them feel safe and normal throughout everything that’s going to change in your family’s life, but that’s especially hard when you yourself might not even feel that way. How can you answer their questions when you have a million unanswered questions yourself?
We spoke to experts and people who’ve been through it about how to have this conversation. Below, they offer some strategies and resources to share with your kids. And most of all, they explain why speaking honestly with your children is so important, even though it’s going to be hard.
First: Why Even Tell Them?
Secrets have a suspicious quality, a kind that kids can pick up on. You may start to look different, become more tired and less able to spend time with them–and it’s possible that your children may think it’s their own fault.
“Kids notice when something is off with their parents, they know when they’re not getting the whole truth on something,” says Kelly Kolkmeyer, a licensed clinical social worker and therapist who works with kids. “When kids don’t know, they make up their own reasoning in their head, and because they’re children with limited world view, they tend to assume things are their own fault… Telling them is an opportunity for you to correct some misinformation they might have.”
It’s a fine line to tread between honesty and comfort, but when they’re noticing disruptions to their environment, your appearance, your mood, or changes in their routines and schedules, and they don’t know why, that can feel scary.
“Kids can be involved in a way that’s a little less clinical, a little less scary, but they should be informed,” says Danielle Frodyma, a cancer researcher and medical writer who wrote Cal Clobbers Cancer—a children’s book meant to explain cancer to young children. You want to ensure they feel safe, and the best way to do that is through honesty. You can start with how it’s directly affecting them, and you don’t need to bring them the long complicated words; but you can explain a bit about your body having trouble healing itself.
When Should You Tell Them? And How?
Kelsey Mora, a certified child life specialist and licensed clinical professional counselor, says when and how you tell them depends, but there are a few ways to think about it. For some families, it’s reasonable, and maybe even helpful to start keeping your kids in the know from the beginning. Answering difficult questions when you yourself don’t know the answers is hard, but you can tell them: ‘That’s a great question, I don’t know the answer, but when I do, I’ll let you know.’ That alone is a good answer, and it gives them a sense of trust when they know you’re not lying.
“I think parents can share the information that they do have,” Mora says. “In some ways it might make the conversation easier to build on. It can be: ‘remember how I was going to the doctor and they were checking on my breast, we have some answers now.’”
But you’re processing this all yourself, and if you need time for yourself before having a conversation with your kid, absolutely take it. “I think it's very important when parents are presenting this information to kids that the parents are able to remain calm, answer questions and be that supportive figure,” says Kolkmeyer. “If it’s a matter of needing a little bit of extra time for parents to feel like they can have that conversation and have it feel productive, safe, healthy and supportive, that's not necessarily the worst scenario.”
When you initially bring it up, or when you need to have a bigger, more difficult conversation, Mora says you should make sure your kids are in the right mindset for it. She recommends finding a “neutral time and place.” Make sure they’re well-rested and well-fed, and give them some warning first. Let them know this is going to be a bit more serious, so they can prepare to listen and comprehend a bit differently.
Kolkmeyer suggests maybe even sitting them down on your lap, giving them hugs, or showing physical affection throughout your conversation to regulate their emotions and give them a further sense of safety and support.
But with kids, you can’t always control when the topic may come up, and it’s important to follow their lead. Maybe they’ll bring it up before bed, or maybe they’ll ask you a question when you’re reminding them that someone else will be picking them up from school. Some of the conversations will be really natural and organic, and Mora says it’s important to meet your child where they are and follow their lead.
And Now: What Do You Tell Them?
Giving your child honest information and involving them is a way to make them feel safe. Whitney Hadley, a licensed social worker and the Child, Teen and Young Adult Program Manager at The Gathering Place, says it’s helpful to lay out what’s happening, and how it will affect them. “The more open you are, the safer they will feel about it,” Hadley says. “We like to use the word ‘cancer’ and–in an age appropriate way–explain what’s going on.”
How much your child understands about sickness and cancer will differ by age. Many parents, especially of younger kids, will have an instinct to talk about sickness or illness. But to a three-year-old, Mora says sickness might be more about contagious germs, runny noses and coughs. “For all kids, especially younger kids, explaining that it’s different from the sicknesses they’re familiar with, breaking it down scientifically and talking about it as a problem with the cells [is important],” says Mora. Then, try your best to give them a good idea of how this will affect them and you. “Prioritize things that are important to them, making sure they know what to expect. It helps them feel safe if it’s more stable, predictable, consistent, even when there’s a lot of changes.”
Lacey Moore, a kindergarten teacher who had breast cancer, says for the kids she taught in her class, she explained her cancer honestly and in simple terms: “I broke it down for them: ‘There's something on the inside that's attacking [me], and [I] have to get this medicine, and then the medicine makes [my] hair fall out.’” Kids do well with warnings, and she says the process of preparing her kids really helped them. “For the month and a half after I lost my hair, they were begging me to draw on my head. So on the last day of school, I let them draw on my head. It was so fun. I was like, ‘I know that they're gonna remember that forever, drawing on their kindergarten teacher’s head.’
Christy Lingo’s kids were seven and nine in 2023 when she was diagnosed with breast cancer. When they got home from school, she told them right away. She wanted to tell them so they understood why she maybe wasn’t going to be the “fun mom” anymore—that it wasn’t anything they’d done, and it wasn’t that she didn’t enjoy doing those things, but she just simply might not have the energy for it.
But, she led by first assuring them that everything was going to be okay. She kept the philosophy of 'honesty within reason.’ She wanted them to know what was going on throughout the process, but still feel safe and unafraid. “I remember it so vividly,” she says. “I felt this weird kind of calm, but I don’t know if that’s just sort of like a protective measure that your brain does, but I felt, I need to be strong right now.”
Let them know there might be changes—you might need more time to rest, you might lose your hair, you might have more doctor’s appointments—but there’s no lack of love.
Use Resources Like Books, Group Support, and Ongoing Projects
Books can be a really helpful tool for explaining what will happen and opening a conversation about what cancer is, in an age-appropriate way. They can be a way to guide the conversation, says Hadley, especially as a starting point, that you can come back to together when there are more questions and more conversations.
Support groups and therapists are also resources that can help your child to process these changes. Having a parent with cancer can feel isolating, and being able to connect with other kids who have experienced something similar can be really healing and helpful for them. Mora is the chief clinical officer at Pickles Group, which organizes peer-to-peer support groups for children with cancer; they offer a family support kit for parents with cancer. Another helpful place to turn is the social worker at your hospital to connect you with more resources, particularly local ones.
Create a Space Where They’re Comfortable Asking Questions
Maybe most importantly, let them ask questions and create a space where they feel comfortable sharing their emotions. They’ll need to process it on their own time. They might have a bunch of questions in the moment, or questions might pop up here and there in the future—and Kolkmeyer suggests answering them to the best of your ability (remember, “I don’t know” is an answer), and giving them a sense of how it’s being addressed to continue fostering a sense of safety. Let them know that you know this is a lot, and if they have questions, they can always ask you. If they ask if something hurts, let them know: ‘Yes, it might hurt sometimes, but the doctors and medicine are doing their best to help me feel better.’
Especially with older kids and teenagers, checking in is super important. Maya Silver, who wrote a book with her dad after her mom was diagnosed with cancer when she was a teenager, says that checking in frequently, even with a resistant teen, is crucial. Teenagers can put up walls, and there can be a distance between teens and their parents that makes it more difficult to communicate and open up. Being really deliberate about checking in frequently is important to ensure your teen is processing everything healthily.
It can be draining to talk about cancer all the time, and tough to find the time to check in with your kids while you’re distracted by this huge other thing. Hadley says some families she’s worked with have set up times to check in with their children and update them on what’s coming up with their treatment and how it’ll affect them, and others have made “feelings boxes,” where kids can put questions about what they’re worried about and go through them with their parents. It can be bedtime rituals, a chat after dinner a few times a week, or just scheduling a little check-in time every so often to keep them involved and make sure they’re processing.
Remember, You’re a Parent… And Also a Person
Kids are resilient. Kolkmeyer says with the right tools, putting trust in your kid and your relationship with them helps them move through and process, even this difficult stuff.
Juggling parenting and cancer is so hard. You don’t have to be a perfect parent to be a good parent.
Allowing yourself the grace and empathy to feel your emotions on your good and bad days makes you a good role model for your kids “You can actually be teaching them to recognize those signs for themselves,” says Kolkmeyer. “This can be an example of how to model good boundaries for yourself and how to take care of yourself and how to recognize when you need a break. Moms tend to put a lot on themselves wanting to show up perfectly. Reframing it in that way, it doesn’t have to be such a negative.”
