Dating is scary. It involves taking a risk and being vulnerable, often with someone you might not know that well. If you add a cancer diagnosis to the mix, there are even more questions and “what if’s” swirling. These are concerns that you probably never thought you’d have to worry about before a first date. When do you tell them? How do you tell them? What if it’s going well, but when you tell them, and they start to pull away? How do you make them see you’re still a person outside of your treatment?
Below, four women and one man share what it was like dating with cancer and what they’ve learned from it.
On Self-Respect and Having No Time for Bullshit
Molly Oldham, brain tumor found at 19
When it comes to relationships, it's hard. Especially in this day and age, men kind of suck. It's just a question of, Okay, when do I tell you now? When does it come up? If I know someone and they know that about me, it's okay. But if it's someone I don't know: Do I have to tell you before you want to date me? Will that change what you think of me? Will you immediately think about the future? Is it worth it to date me if I'm gonna get sick again?
The last boy I dated, we broke up because he told me if my cancer came back, he'd break up with me. People are insensitive. It’s just navigating and balancing meeting the person and deciding whether they're really worth my time, and worth telling. Going through everything I've been through, I don't have time for the bullshit. And if you're not going to accept me for exactly how I am, and the things that I went through, especially because I couldn't have changed or done anything about it, I don't have time for that. That's something that, before I got sick, I would have never thought. I would have said, "Ouch, but, I want to be with you." No, I don't have time for that anymore.
“The Right Ones Will Not Run”
Abby Waack, diagnosed with breast cancer at 27
It's such a niche experience to be dating post cancer. In the same way it’s difficult to tell your loved ones when you're diagnosed, it can be difficult to tell new people [afterwards]. Meeting people who have no idea about my past and dropping the bomb of: “Hey, I know I look totally normal and healthy but, I went through 16 rounds of chemo, and I had no hair, and my boobs are fake, and I already went through menopause.”
It can be a lot to tell somebody that you just met, especially if you're trying to build a romantic interest. I would just say, don't be afraid of telling people, and don't be afraid of the reactions because the right ones will not run. The ones that do run, just let them go because it was never going to be them anyway. The right person would not run from that. They would see your strength and how it changed you and admire you for it.
A 35-Year-Old Man, On Being Treated as a Patient and Not a Person
Josh Parra, 35, diagnosed with primary mediastinal non-Hodgkin lymphoma in 2023
[Before cancer,] I definitely think I was a little bit more superficial. I had my own boxes that I wanted checked off. It sounds so dickish, but you have to prove to me that you’re a quality woman or whatever. I definitely took relationships for granted. Once I got cancer, things really changed for me. Not only did the world see me differently, but I would say I saw myself differently. And both those interactions changed how I'd looked at dating and going forward. I needed to be more intentional with my relationships.
The first couple experiences where I was sick and I was trying to talk to somebody, and I couldn’t keep them in the conversation long enough. As soon as they found out I was sick or got on my social media, they were like, “Oh, this guy is really sick.” They started treating me like a patient rather than a person, and even less like a man. Then it became, “How do I get them to stay long enough to show I’m more than just my sickness?”
For a while, I stopped telling people I was sick or that I was going through cancer. I started to be strategic about how I position things. I would talk to someone for a little bit and then tell them later, kind of breadcrumb it. That did help, but it didn’t work.
I’ve kind of resigned myself now. If it happens, it happens. Be as authentic as you possibly can, get to know as many people on a friendship level, and hopefully, organically, as you overcome your cancer challenges, people will naturally see that and be attracted to it and it’ll be an added complement. It doesn’t define me, but it can show my resilience and show my strength.
No one likes being alone, and that doesn’t change even if you’re in the hospital, going through chemo every week. Cancer’s really changed the way I see things. Everything is just a little bit more vibrant and I would like to share that with someone.
On Acknowledging That Relationship Drama Might Be One Stress Too Many
Khrystin Motton, 38, diagnosed with Hodgkin lymphoma in 2022
Dating has been absolutely disappointing.
I’m definitely a hopeless romantic, so it’s something I prioritized prior [to my diagnosis]. I kind of put it on the back burner while I was in treatment, but for some reason, I was getting pursued a lot. So, I thought, Okay, maybe it’ll take my mind off of treatment and everything that I’m going through. So, I put myself out there to have a distraction. Unfortunately, the relationship drama made things worse. It just added to the stress of the situation. I remember once being at chemotherapy and having an argument on the phone with someone.
I just feel that it takes a really special person to be able to handle that, especially if you date men. No offense to the men, but I just don't feel like they are usually equipped with the empathy that is required to be with someone in treatment. It affects every part of your life, it affects your sex drive, your mood, your confidence. It's not exactly the time where you're feeling your sexiest and feeling like wanting to be intimate. You really have to have a partner who understands that.
On Disclosure, Break-Ups, and Turning Awkward Dates Into Funny Stories
Ali Embry, diagnosed with triple negative breast cancer at 29
I actually was in a relationship at the beginning of my diagnosis. It was a new relationship. I ended it for a few different reasons. I knew he wasn't my person and I didn't want to drag him through my diagnosis or through my journey, if I didn't seriously see a future with him.
For a while, I just didn't think about dating at all because my main focus was my health. But I knew my whole journey with chemo plus multiple surgeries was going to take close to a year. For me, that was a really long time to not date at all.
One of the people I went on a date with, I asked about his parents. I told him my dad passed away from cancer and then he goes on and on about how his biggest fear in life is getting cancer. This was when I was going through active treatment. It was so hard for me not to say anything or start laughing because I have a dark sense of humor. But, this was a guy that I knew that I wasn't going to see again. I just wasn't interested. So I thought, there's no point in telling him. But, I just thought it was hilarious and I came home and made a TikTok about it.
*Interviews have been edited for length and clarity. Names and some identifying details have been changed at the subject’s request.
