When one person gets cancer, a whole web of people are affected. “Everybody’s experiencing it. Of course, the person diagnosed has to deal with it physically, but everybody’s dealing with it often emotionally,” says Susan Hess, a breast and ovarian cancer counselor for over 27 years.
Over her years counseling people with cancer and their loved ones, Hess has found that typically, the supporter is the one feeling the emotions first. Your loved one who’s been diagnosed might go into what Hess calls “survival mode,” doing everything they can to keep it together throughout their treatments. They might not have the bandwidth to process what’s happening.
Meanwhile, you’re feeling the impact of it during that time, while also likely shouldering some of your loved one’s responsibilities so they’re able to focus on recovery. If your loved one has been diagnosed with cancer, you should know it’s normal to feel scared, anxious and sad. Cancer puts a network of loved ones into unexpected and uncharted territory, and it’s important every person in the system acknowledges that and learns the tools they might need to navigate it and to accept the help needed to do so.
Seven strategies to process your loved one’s diagnosis
1. Understand that as a supporter, this will be hard for you too
It’s very likely that not only are you feeling so much fear and worry, but you’re also more overloaded than you’ve ever been. You may be going on endless errands, coordinating all the domestic tasks, helping to coordinate and drive to medical appointments, and managing the rest of your life as well (and maybe organizing your loved one’s life too).
When her husband was diagnosed with lung cancer in 2023, Thea*, a 54-year-old entrepreneur living in London, became his caregiver, after she herself was treated for skin cancer five years prior. Jumping into this new role, she had to take much more on, and she realized cancer can often be harder on the supporter than the patient.
“The person who’s sick has one job, at least in the way we handled it. One job: and it’s to fight this,” Thea says. “The other person has to take on all the more nuanced logistics on top of everything else. It’s not a comparison, but it’s just, acknowledging that this is going to be extraordinarily hard for you as well, and to accept the help for yourself as well.”
And, often, the supporter is neglected. In her work as a breast and ovarian cancer counselor, Hess notices that husbands, particularly, are resistant to feeling they might need help when their partners have cancer.
2. Talk with someone outside the family system
Hess suggests that everyone involved (that’s you too) seek out a social worker, therapist, or counselor who has experience working with cancer patients and supporters to learn the skills you may need to process your loved one’s diagnosis and give yourself the opportunity to share the emotions you’re feeling with someone outside your immediate circle.
Sarah Kurker, an oncology social worker and professor of social work at Arizona State University, created a caregiver support group where she saw firsthand how draining cancer can be on the supporter. “They just needed to talk,” Kurker says. “There's definitely a change for them emotionally and physically, and with the demand of the other things in life, they really just needed to be heard.”
Kurker suggests support groups, which can be helpful in making you feel heard and not alone throughout the process. Cancercare.org has a free, 15-week online support group for caregivers that’s simple to register for, and the American Cancer Society offers a helpful search engine that allows you to find support groups in your area (simply search “caregiver support group” as your keyword and input your zipcode to be directed to some options in your community). And, check with your social worker. Many hospitals offer online and in-person support groups for caregivers, and they can direct you to other options in your community as well.
Because a cancer diagnosis affects the whole family, Hess says it’s important to talk with someone outside of this circle, who isn’t also dealing with the aftermath of the diagnosis.
3. Have upfront and fully honest communication with the person you’re caring for
Kurker says that over her 20 years working as an oncology social worker, she’s noticed that couples specifically, but also any relationship can struggle with communication around the topic of cancer. “There’s a level of protection: the patient doesn’t want to bring up the hard to talk about issues because they don’t want to hurt the caregiver. And you might have concerns that they’re afraid to bring it up,” Kurker says.
Because both people are facing choices and obstacles they didn’t realize they’d have to face, Kurker says it’s often beneficial to bring up any concerns directly with your loved one, rather than silently wondering what your loved one might want you to do or how they might want you to be supportive in these situations.
She suggests, for example, before going with them to their first doctor’s appointment, first ask them how they want to be supported. Do they want you to ask questions and actively participate, or if they’d rather you just be there for moral support? Throughout, ask how they want to be treated. Ask who they want to tell about their diagnosis.
Even though these things can be difficult to bring up, future problems and difficulties might be alleviated by clarifying expectations from the beginning.
Don’t be afraid to talk about death and the hard care choices. It will be an incredible comfort to someone with a diagnosis who knows that their core group is aligned about how they want to live, and in sync about how to support them. This can be tough, no one wants to reach this point. But, in order to care for someone in their most fragile and vulnerable moments, you need to talk about what that will look like for them.
And don’t be afraid to disagree with your loved one. It’s most likely they don’t want you to treat them like they’re a delicate flower who can’t handle any hard conversations.
4. Make a list
Making a list to organize swirling thoughts and to-dos can be helpful, especially if you sit and do it with your loved one so you can see what you can take off their plate. Your list can be what you need to do, what other people can do, what your loved one needs to do. It can be tricky to know what to do or how to best support this person you love in a hard time–likely they don’t know exactly what you need–so setting aside calm time to remove these tasks and worries from your head and put them on paper can really help. And for yourself, seeing this on paper can help you prioritize.
Something to add to your to-do list: check about your rights as a caregiver for family leave, if you will need to take time off from work to support your loved one.
5. Know that all feelings are valid and normal
Caregiver burnout is a common phenomenon, and you shouldn’t feel guilty for feeling it. “There were things that I felt when my wife had cancer, just as a husband, that I thought, how could I possibly think this?” says Marc Silver, a journalist who wrote a guide for caregiving: Breast Cancer Husband: How to Help Your Wife (and Yourself). It can be exhausting to care for someone, and the stress of everything can even make you feel resentful at times. And then you feel like a bad person for being resentful, but you are not a bad person, and it doesn’t mean you don’t love them any less. “Nobody wants to have to be a caregiver for a partner with cancer. I think there’s great comfort in…looking back and learning that it’s normal,” says Silver.
Sarah Murphy, a licensed therapist who specializes in oncology, says you shouldn’t judge yourself, no matter what or how you feel. “Feelings don’t exist in the world of right and wrong,” she says, “you’re not doing anything wrong when you’re upset and there’s no quick fix for it, but you can try different tools to manage it.”
6. Take breaks, every day, and every week
In his essay about the annoyances of caregiving for his husband after hip surgery, David Sedaris wrote about finally leaving the apartment for a dinner party. "It was nice to get away, if only for a few hours. To have someone bring me bowls of nuts and glasses of water." His partner accuses him of abandoning him; it’s a good funny essay about real difficult circumstances. In sum: it’s important for you to take a break, maybe your loved one is encouraging this and you’re not listening, maybe they don’t want you to.
Set aside time everyday for a break for yourself, one little thing every day to regulate (go for a walk, call a friend), one big thing every week to look forward to (go to the movies, go get drinks).
7. Take care of yourself; avoid burnout
And to address this burnout, Murphy suggests taking advantage of your support network. “Oftentimes we think, I don’t need support because they’re the person who’s really important, but you’re also important and they’re going to be depending on you,” Murphy says. “We can’t give from an empty cup, so it’s really important to have some boundaries and some self-care and some support.”
While taking on some of your loved one’s responsibilities, accept help from others. When Thea’s friends told her they were doing a meal train after her husband’s diagnosis, she was hesitant to accept, but luckily, they insisted. “It was such a help and I was blown away by how meaningful it was,” Thea says. “We had a different person come over and bring me stuff and help me out once a week. So it was also a social time of, ‘we’re here to help you.’ It was so moving.”
Your focus may be on caring for your loved one, but it’s important to take time for yourself as well. Take a walk or go out to lunch with a friend; anything that can help you relax and take your mind off of everything. Be patient with yourself and lean on all of the avenues you have for support, because your loved one will be relying on you. It’s a slight paradox, but we can handle those: One of the most important things you can do to support your loved one during this time is to take care of yourself.
*Names and some identifying details have been changed at the subject’s request.
